Of course this is my life...

The more I live the more of a mess I'm creating with my life...I mean what do I expect? I'm being punished by God...I know I am...I have singled handly place myself in a living hell...willing and unwillingly....knowingly and unknowingly...and I can only find fault in self... There has been some things that I've done throughout my life that wasn't right...I've gone to God and asked for forgiveness...God has forgiving me but now I'm in the punishment stage...so I except and exspected it to be harsh... I'm finding each day to be less worthy to live....but that's the enemy talking...and I won't succumb to its taunts and mental games...I don't want to revert to where I was 2 years ago...I have a fight in me to keep pushing until I see daylight once more...but it seems to be more and more of struggle to keep up the fight... I only have myself to blame though...I have struggles and issues like everybody else but I don't deal with them like everybody else...the hardest part is I don't have anyone to talk to anymore...at least anyone who is objective like Irene...maaaaan do I miss her....we were making such good progress..sigh... I swear I hate where I am right now...this space not the place even though this place has brought my life to seclusion..which I guess that's a safe place for all that is involved...but I'm feeling so lost with no way to stand no where to turn...nothing... I'm tired of crying myself to sleep...I'm tired of the unhealthy thoughts and negativity....but once again I believe this is my just awards because I had done wrong....and this is my life...punished by the law of God.... Restless 4 life...

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wide awake at 3:24 a.m.

I'm sitting on my porch and already hearing the morning birds catching their worms. Its calm right now, with the exception of the Jamaican lady fussing at her 14 yrs. old son who just walked in the door...she says to me "Me sorry that I'm about to keep you up" I said why? And then here he comes walking around the corner and she says in a calm voice "Come here little boy" he walks kind of slow but in a pace that he knew he better hurry up....all I can do is shake my head because she believes in BEATINGS...not whoopings....Oh well you live and you learn.... Which in some ways I find that ironic...see I feel like I've been beat by life and I'm still tied to the whipping post. That's probably why I'm sitting on the porch at now 3:31 in the a.m. at any rate although I'm still tied to the whipping post I feel a chance of freedom coming my way...life (the masta) wants me to stay alive for some reason so its only beating me enough to make me unconscious for a few and then once I awake...it wants me to say that my name is something else...but I being the stubborn one keeps saying my name is Queen... I am a ruler of many and I will reign forever....but the masta (life) says well if want to wear the title of a Queen then let me adjust your crown...and more whippings follow...sigh... Anyways it is now 3:38 in the a.m. I'm trying to regain my composure from this brokeness that I allow to come into my life...this is no way to live and I'm sick of it...I'm tired of crying and being angry and being hurt...sometimes I'm just tired of just being...staying prayed up daily the fight still lingers in my hollow soul...but I'm still fighting...and that my friends I will do until the day I die....whether it will be while I'm still tied to the whipping tree or graciously sitting on my throne in my Queendom..... Its 3:44 in the a.m. And I'm still WIDE AWAKE Queen 2 B

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At this moment...

I'm suicidal...for the past few days I have been thinking very wrong...and with each day it seems to becoming increasingly worst. Today I made it to the bottom and can't seem to crawl out....I had so many thoughts of ways to cut or hurt myself.

I've been in serious prayer and pleading with God to fix me.

I'm still here so I guess that's a start....

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The Road

Loneliness seem to be the road I must travel. I grew up being the only child. I use to beg the other kids to play with me. I would bring out all the toys I could so the kids would come to my yard to play. That was the beginning of my life of having friends.

After that I was always surrounded by people. But it wasn't that I offered anything but my friendship. Having to move practically every year...never staying more than 2 yrs. at one place...I had mastered the art of making friends....until now.

I went to about 15 different schools growing up. 10 of them were from Kindergarden to 8th grade. We lived on just about every side of Indianapolis and some in between. So I had to do some major friend making if I didn't want to be alone.

Moving forward to the present....not only have I moved hundred of miles away from familiarity, friends, love ones...co-workers....I now am alone with no friends. Making friends have not been as easy as it was from when I was young. It could be because I've grown to be selective, maybe because I'm not as approachable as I use to be.

Since I've been here in a different state I said that I was going to be alone. I spoke it into existence and now I must live it. So this is what I get...opening my big mouth because I got hurt...out of anger I forbid anything emotionally related...including love....

So this is my path to the end.....and I must live it accordingly.

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