Day 10 of 21 Free to Love meditation

Your Giving Heart

 TODAY, I tried a different approach to my meditation. For the past few days I've battled with the negativity that I have with my heart.

Today I became a lot more receptive to what I want to accomplish by the end of these 21 days. I knew going into this that I may face some challenges. Dealing with my heart is a challenge for me. Especially after my very loud protest against LOVE and any dealings of my heart. 

TODAY's lesson teaches us about giving from the heart. When giving from the heart the act (rather it's big or small) is a freeing moment for both you and the receiver. What we have to do is learn how to embrace our act(s) of being the giver. Once we have completed our daily task of giving from the heart (it can be a smile, a good morning to a stranger, or a hug) our heart grows bigger and stronger.

BOTTOM LINE:

TODAY I may fear the use of my heart, but I'm willing to go over and beyond these hurdles of being hurt in order to become more free in giving from my heart.

"Today and every day I find simple ways to give to everyone I meet." (today's meditation)

From my heart 2 yours,

Queen 2 Be

Day 9 of 21 Free to Love meditation

Your Intuitive Heart

I use to be intuitive when I was younger but it made me feel some kind of way once I became older and more knowledgeable about life.

I use to feel what others were feeling, I use to be able to some how know about a situation without having any real knowledgeable about the situation.

Most of the time it was more about the people around me more than myself. I can just simply sitting in my car and know what the other person is feeling in another car.

BOTTOM LINE:

 

I think in this meditation I will have to dig very deep to open up my intuitive heart. First I need to find my heart. I need to trust it fully and completely in order to be obedient to it's intuitive ways. I just know that in the past my heart has led me to places unknown and scary. I became broken and wounded because I followed what I thought was the intuition of my heart. 

 

SO as I by the end of this week....

 

I will open myself up to my heart and follow the direction it leads me...

 

 

 "More and more I learn to trust the intuition of my heart." (today's meditation but...shew!)

 

 

Yours openly,

 

Queen 2 Be 

Day 8 of 21 Free to Love meditation

                                          Your Heart Center

 "The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed."
—Jiddu Krishnamurti

  

For me this is my heart from the time I was born. Slightly broken, patched up and half way bandaged up. I mean my mother showed me (and is showing me) all the love that a heart can stand. My father (although absent most of my life) says he love me. I have friends and family that says they love me BUT....I never felt the personal love from myself. Although my heart is my center, it never seem to stay in place. I think mainly because I have a BIG heart. My heart has this major Kumba Ya My Lord complex. My heart has deceived me numerous times because of it. My heart has made decisions that seem to exploit this weakness I have for being loved, to have love, or showing love to the world.

BUT WAIT.........it gets worst....

                                                              

The older I've became the more my heart became broken.....until finally....it became shattered into pieces. What was the cause? Life....people.....ME. I lived by my heart to the fullest. When I give someone my heart I give it fully. I blame myself for that though...I've opened myself up freely, regardless of how many times I've been hurt (sometimes over and over again by the same people)....and before you knew it my heart was dropped, shattered into tiny little pieces..... I was left vulnerable, cracked, broken....My heart hurt!  

    



                                                      

Which then landed me here......literally I would say this and mean it with every fiber of my being. THIS feeling is almost at a point of no return. The bitterness that grows inside is a dreadful feeling. I am almost in tears because this felt so real to me. I vowed that I would never deal with love (outside of family and few close friends) ever again. It felt ugly....I could no longer believe in this thing called love. I did not feel my heart anymore. I could not feel period.....I in fact felt as though I had no heart at all....I was completely numb.

 BOTTOM LINE:

 

  

I knew the way I was feeling was not healthy.....I figured that my life was going to be stagnate....especially if I would shut down my heart. In fact I was very stagnate, the more I lingered in the way I was feeling the worse my life seemed to be. The ones that hurt me/broken my heart are moving on with their lives....they were in fact doing something that I should of been doing....LIVING...with the fullness of their heart. So it is time for me to let go and let God....accept my life as is but LIVE more from the heart....But first....I need to find my heart again....I must return it to it's rightful place...in the center.....This will help me become a more balanced human being....and when you are balanced, you are more receptive to love not just from people but for me...love from myself....

"My heart center is open and receptive to love." (today's meditation)

Openly loving, (with hesitation but willing)

Queen 2 Be

Day 7 of 21 Free to Love meditation

"Today I commit to giving and receiving love in its full power and glory."

  
Freedom to Feel Again:

Ummmm.....well....

I'm a little more stubborn than I thought....okay NO...I know how stubborn I am. 

This particular one is something I'm not ready for. I'm grateful for the lesson that it is showing me. But to be honest...I don't want to feel anything right now. For now the numbness is what I want. 

Okay, kind of harsh...let me back up. Like I told a friend of mine today, I'm willing to deal with everything in my life with exception of one part. I do NOT want to deal with the intimate level of my feelings. I'm afraid and that's that....

However this meditation is not a total lost. I am becoming more free to have love and feelings for myself. Before I felt nothing at all but now...I feel love for myself and it's okay to be that way.

At one point I've allowed my feelings to be open wide for all of those around me. Except for myself....I hated what and who I've become. I hated the fact that I was just a weakling .... strong for others but not for myself. I couldn't take up for myself but I could for others.

UNTIL.....

I got my feelings hurt really really bad....my emotions for others actually became my downfall to the point of vulnerability. Which left me open to be sucker punch and blinded by my feelings.  In order to  bounce back from such a devastating moment of my life....I shut down all of my feelings....for me....it was the safest way to live.

Bottom line:

I am slowly but surely opening up myself to feel again. I won't lie and say this is easy and I can concur this without a problem buuuuuuuuut....this one folks is a tough one. This may be a daily process until I am feeling again....This meditation has not gone in vain....it's just right now....I cant....

"Today I commit to giving and receiving love in its full power and glory." (today's meditation but a daily movement for me until I really get it)

Just pray for me


Queen 2 Be

 

Day 6 of 21 Free to Love meditation

              Okay so yes I skipped a day in blogging but not in the meditation.

 

Rituals of Release:

I'm somewhat of a pack rat when it comes to certain items. I love to collect certain things but I never find a place to display or keep them. I'd noticed that even more when I had to make a sudden move from Indy. I had soooooo much stuff that I was holding on to. I'm a sentimental person and things that people would throw away, I would most likely keep. Especially if it was something I've done with a special person or my children. I've kept letters, drawings, ticket and concert stubs....just stuff.

While I was preparing for my move, I tried my best to hold tight to some very important keepsakes (at least they were very important to me). BUT the way I had to travel from Indy to DE was not suited for a big move. So I packed as much as I could (over 20 something years worth) into 1 large suitcase, 2 medium sized suitcases, an average sized box, an oversized purse, and a huge tote. AND I was traveling alone on the train. 

Literally I was the bag lady that Erykah Badu was singing about:

Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you

Bottom line:

Bag lady
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
Ooh, ooh
Girl you don't need it
I betcha love can make it better

I had to let go of some things that I thought were important. However letting go/releasing what is the norm is okay when life offers you daily newness. It became a ritual/ a habit to hold on and do things that became like second nature. It didn't matter if it was good or bad. So now my new ritual is just that.....walking in the newness of life. In doing so, it will leave me open to greater possibilities of LIVING!

 

So pack light
Pack light
Pack light
Ooh ooh

"I am pure existence, pure consciousness, pure love." (yesterday's meditation)

 

Peace and blessings,

Queen 2 Be 

Day 5 of 21 Free to Love meditation

"Love is what I am, what I give, and what I receive."

Freedom to Heal:

I knew that this process was coming sooner or later.

I'm going straight to it on this one.....

I believe in God....I believe that by Jesus stripes I am healed.

That's the spiritual side of me...the inner man that speaks and walks by faith.

Unfortunately the human side of me found it more convenient to stay hurt. Why? because it was what I was use to feeling, what I thought how my life is suppose to be.


Well not anymore....I've claimed my healing right before I started this meditation. This portion of the meditation is just a confirmation to me saying that I'm on the right path. Actually...this is taking me into a more deeper realm of my complete healing. I thought at one point that I was beyond repair.

BUT I AM FREE.....

I AM HEALED

I've found the love within me to allow my soul/my spirit to be free....


Free from hurt, pain, past wounds, lost, and other hindrances.....


In this healing I am more open to possibilities of LIVING.....


"Love is what I am, what I give, and what I receive." (today's meditation)

Healed and still healing,

Queen 2 BE

Day 4 of 21 Free to Love meditation (sorry so late)

You have the capacity to change the plotline of your life, even if you've been acting from the same script since before you can remember."
—David Simon

Freedom from old tapes:

I must admit, at times I tend to stick to what I know. However I am spontaneous enough to do things outside of the norm....basically go off script from time to time. 

I've followed the same script all my life, with some slight variations from time to time. Doing this my life became/has been mundane and predictable. Deep down however I am extremely adventurous and wild and I will throw caution to the wind without a problem. 

Although it sounds like a fun life, it has caused me some painful and hurtful experiences. So in order to not go through any issues I decide to just stick to the script.....it's safer that way.

I now am afraid to live....not only just to live but to live on my terms, in my way, to produce the greatest masterpiece ever!

Bottom line:

I need to be free to be the true me.....it's that simple....or is it?

I think we allow too many outside influences (i.e. friends, jobs, family) determine what our next line is going to be. In order to be free we must break away from what has been the norm for us and make the necessary changes to fit our living.

Besides.....with God as the director.....you can never fail....

So as I step into character of self I must remember to be the best at living by knowing that I have the power to change my life.....one line at a time....

"I am loved, lovable and loving." (today's meditation)

Happy Journey,

Queen 2 be

 

 

Day 3 of 21 Free to Love meditation

"Life is too short to carry the burden of a heavy heart. It does not serve you or anyone else. Free yourself through the power of forgiveness and compassion."
- David Simon

Freedom to forgive....

I must say this meditation was some what an easy one for me. Until.....

See, I've always been willing to forgive people in my life. Sometimes I think a little too easy. Without going through the list of wrongs that people has done that required forgiveness....I will just tell you ONE thing that I have a problem forgiving.

I have THE hardest problem forgiving MYSELF!!

I hate to disappoint people or let people down. When I do I'm so hard on myself that it is sickening. I've done wrong in my life that I wish I can undo but can't. So since I can't undo them, I waddle in not forgiving myself, which turns into self-hatered and low self esteem. So somehow in this meditation I have to free myself from....well myself.

I need to take ownership of what was done was done and forgive myself. I believe this will lead me into a greater walk in loving myself fully and whole heartedly....and then I have to be compassionate with myself so I can feel more secure in my freedom of forgiveness. 

So as I grasp hold of today's meditation...i am applying this as a triple ointment to get rid of the infected part of me that won't or can't forgive myself. I know I need to do so in order to properly heal.

The longer I don't forgive myself, the longer it will take me to reach my full potential in living....

MY MISSION:

In order to find freedom to forgive, I must do it with compassion and love.
I love myself enough to forgive myself. 

I AM FORGIVEN! 

"I forgive; I release; I let go of anything and anyone that keeps me from my highest good." (today's meditation)

Peace and Blessings,

Queen 2 Be

  

Day 2 of 21 Free to Love meditation

"The past is over; I live blissfully loving in the present."

*SIGH*

Where do I begin with this one...

My past is what gets me in the emotional bind that hinders my life. In my meditation today a revelation came to me about why I hold on to my past when I know that its over.

Revelation:

I grew up the only child at home. Being the only child can be a very lonely experience no matter how many friends you may have. Growing up I've always had a slew of friends. However when it was time to go home I was alone and often time sad because I had no one to keep me company. To this day I still have some of those same friends in my life. I even still have ex-boyfriends that I keep in touch with from time to time. Once you were my friend I kept you as a part of my life just as the very breath I take today. True it might not be as close as it was before but these people are still present.

When I think of letting go of something (especially my past) I feel like I'm on the losing end. I have allowed myself to become comfortable in the past that I feel that I can't live without it tagging along into my present/future. It doesn't matter if it was a good or bad experience with that person, place or thing. My only connection to life for me is my past. 

This mediation took a toll on my psyche. Not only am I'm suppose to let go of something that I think defines who I am but to live in love of my present. 

I know it's not as crucial as it sounds but my present, my now is at a point of mending but not completely healed. I have more faith in my past than I do what is presently known as my life. 

Evolution:

I'm tired of living a stagnate life. Its like I'm sitting still watching the world evolve around me in slow motion. All the while I'm questioning myself and the energy of this world as to why am I stuck when everyone else is moving on? 

Answer: I NEED TO LET GO!

Oooooooh...yeah...that's right. The past is over....KEEP IT MOVING...you have living to do but not for the past or for the future BUT for the NOW! not only am I suppose to LIVE but to LOVE my living to the fullest at this moment! DING DING DING!!  

Yes I know none of this is rocket science but I'm going to treat it as if it's a pot of Gold at the end of MY rainbow. 

Past consider yourself as history....I AM LETTING YOU GO...I will only keep what is good and leave the things that does not serve me any purpose not only in my life but IN MY LIVING OF THE NOW!!

SHEW!! 

"The past is over; I live blissfully loving in the present." (today's meditation)

Smooches!

Queen 2 Be  

   

Day 1 of 21 Free to Love meditation

"I am ready to view my life through the eyes of love."

When I decided to do Deepak Chopra's 21 day of meditation, I figured that I will check this out since I've been talking about getting into meditation anyways. Going in with a made up mind I registered myself to be apart of this session of meditation. I became excited and anxious to see what this session of meditation would be. The topic came as a huge surprise "Free to Love"....wow talk about a ton of bricks on top of another ton of bricks.

Love and I got history:

I couldn't do nothing but laugh when I saw it was talking about love. The one thing that I am trying to avoid like using the port-o-potty at any event...love is the last thing I said that I was going to deal with in my life. SIKE!! I guess the ha ha is on me. Life has a way to MAKE you deal with things that YOU may feel that you are not prepared for but someone higher than we are can say different. 

I've been burnt, hurt, destroy and emptied by what I "thought" was love. That even includes self-love. I walk around so numb to that emotion because honestly, I'm afraid of it. I'm beyond afraid...it's more like terrified to no end! I fear it so badly that it brings me to tears...

But now.......I guess it is time to deal with this thing...to conquer...to just be...love 

 ANYWAYS.....

I've decided to blog my progress during this meditation. I'm willing to share in my journey in hopes to help myself as well as others (or whoever reads it) to be free to Love...

 

"I am ready to view my life through the eyes of love." (today's meditation)

Peace and Blessings,
Queen 2 B